Mother of Many

Mark and Luke are gone out to some distribution center for stuff Mark needs at work.  I’m always glad when he get to spend one on one time with his children.  Especially the boys.  Seems “hebrew-ish” somehow.  I need to remember not to be grouchy about letting them go out with him.  Sometimes I say no without thinking.  Or thinking I need them here helping me more.  But they should go.  I’m not drinking near enough water.  Or enough of anything for that matter.  And I still haven’t started walking yet.  I haven’t had my Dr. Pepper a day in 2 weeks now.  Just 2 in that same amount of time.  Not losing a pound yet.  I must still be eating too much.Jake is out for Spanish/guitar day.  He leaves at 9am with the R family, they go to violin, then to spanish class, then to guitar.  Sometimes they wait for him and sometimes we pick up.  I’m not sure yet today which it will be.  I miss him when he’s gone though.The others are playing.  The baby was sleeping.  Not anymore.  Gotta go. 

I just hate it when the babies are sick.  Nathaniel is coughing in the little tent upstairs and I just know he won’t sleep through the night and I’ll have to give him a breathing treatment in the night sometime.  Matthew has a runny nose and is a tiny bit fussy as well.  He will be going to the doctor tomorrow and having blood work done and his spleen checked again to see if it is still swollen.  Mostly all this sickness has been is “nose management”, but now the coughing seems to be getting much worse.  Lord heal them.

• What I’m reading right now: Not enough of anything. I love to read. So I made up a rule to live by…if I don’t read my bible… I don’t read anything…nothing before the bible…even the cereal box. So, if I don’t get to the bible…I don’t get to read. Sadly…not much reading going on around here at all lately.

• What do I hear going on around me? The fish tank filtering. The toilet seat slamming. The upstairs night night music…instrumental…Everything to God in Prayer. There’s a lesson in that somewhere. And… Jake, “Goodnite Mom, I’m going to bed now.”

• How I’m feeling: A little sick to my stomach. Tired…worn down…mentally…physically. Not a good witness, huh?

• Verse of the moment: Hmmmm…not getting one fast…oh, yeah…meek and quiet spirit…law of kindness on her lips…not because I’ve been any of that lately.

I do that…a lot.  Everyday for the most part.  Is this a good thing or a failing of some sort?  One would think that once you had turned the leaf, you would move on.  And then there are days where I don’t even feel like turning over the said leaf.  I kinda wanna wallow in it…whatever “it” is.  That’s how I feel today.  I just want to drink the coffee and do the things I need to do.  No moral high ground involved.  Probably because of the failure part.  I hate it.  But God said, “Choose ye this day…”.   Which means I must turn the leaf.  Turn from the sin.  Some days the leaf just weighs to much to turn quite honestly.  Lord help me with this leaf.

I have seven…Jake is 15 and an avid basketball player…tonite’s game was a blowout…we won…sometimes it goes the other way…but, the other team didn’t know that…I was almost embarrassed…but what can you do…you have to look like you’re trying…otherwise it’s an insult.  Luke is 12…his hair is long…his Dad hates it…we are trying to think of a compromise.  He likes the Yankees.  He speaks the fantastic.  He has a memory like an elephant.  He cries when I spank his younger siblings.  Erin is 10…she needs more from me than I’m giving her right now…more affection…more girl time…I’m purposing to try harder.  She has really long hair.  It’s starting to look really unhealthy.  I told her tonite that if it didn’t start to look better after some good conditioning that we were going to get it cut.  She isn’t really happy about it.  I think she’s a little vain about it.  That’s probably reason enough for a haircut.  Nicholas is 6…probably my middle forgotten child…he used to be my “shiny eyes boy”, now…not so much.  You wonder sometimes if you should feel guilty.  Or…did God place each child in the spot they hold in the family because he needed them to get (or not get) some particular thing/quality/character trait that would stand them in good stead for some particular purpose he has for them?  I don’t know.  Sometimes I think that.  And when I forget to…I just feel guilty.  Either way…I’m sure there is something required of me here to help put the shine back in his eyes.  Mary is 4…she’s always been…well…how to say it?  She makes known to us her needs, likes, dislikes…she makes…herself…known to us.  I think it’s the blond hair.  She’s gonna be a leader…of something…I don’t know what…but something.   Nathaniel is 2.  My mother says that if they can tell you they are poopy they should probably be potty trained.  He can… but, he’s not.  He has “viral asthma in infancy”  which is the only label I will accept.  It means that if he has a cold…he gets symptoms of asthma.  We do breathing treatments morning and night.  It makes me sad to watch.  Not because it’s such a bad thing to deal with.  But because when I watch him… I see the medical equipment and it makes me think of all the children out there who live some medical reality…sickness…worse than his every day.  I can’t really explain it…but it makes me sad.  Matthew is 4 1/2 months.  He’s the sweetest, easiest baby.  I like to say, “He should’ve been twins he’s so little trouble.”  He sucks his thumb or pointer and tall man.  He’s the only finger sucker I know that sucks those two instead of tall man and ring finger.  Can anyone relate?  People always want to know if I’ll have more.  Maybe I’ll answer that another day. 

I’ve always wanted to write…problem is…I can’t write or type fast enough to keep up with my racing mind.  I have so much to say;whether or not anyone wants to hear it is not really the point I suppose.  But I think so fast sometimes that I can’t even keep up with myself.  I have these times of almost manic thought.  And I can be so upbeat and positive and movin’ on with life about things.  And then, real life steps in to overtake my thinking.  Then I can plunge into the depths.  I call it, “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.”  Gosh, and real life ain’t so bad…but it sure can seem like it sometimes.  Perspective…I guess that’s what it’s called.  I have too many of them…perspectives.  Makes life a little wierd.   I want to keep track of life.  So as not to repeat the mistakes over and over.  And to remember the things that seem important… and sweet and… even sad.  I want to remind myself of the things I think ’cause it seems like soon as I’ve thunk something really profound, I’ve moved on to the next thought like an Amtrak train.  Or I have to change a diaper. Or make pancakes.  Or cycle the laundry.   Help me Lord to get it right.  Life that is…it’s movin’ way too fast.